We're As Lonely As We Want To Be
by Dizzy-Dreamer
Summary: "Tell me about Daddy, Mama!" Payson ignored the familiar ache in her chest. We're just as lonely as we wanted to be,
1. Chapter 1

_thanks kayla; without you, this would suck._

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_the title is from 'people watching' by Jack Johnson, from the Curious George soundtrack. Iris is my own character - please don't use her without my permission._

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Not even three minutes old, Iris Emily Keeler is already the love of her mother's life.

She is tear-soaked and exhausted but the adrenaline coursing through her veins will keep her awake for days. She cradles her newborn daughter to her chest and sobs openly, surrounded by the family she chose for herself: Emily, her conscience and confidant, and Kelly, her former enemy turned best friend, pep-talk expert and straight-talking queen. Unlikely friends themselves, they shared a look of awe over Payson's head as they held tight to their friend's shoulders. It remained unspoken, but all three women knew their support was the only thing that had kept Payson afloat over the past nine months.

Only five people in the world, other than Payson, know the truth about her daughter's paternity, and two of them are in the room with her. The other three are pacing holes in the waiting room floor down the hall, desperate for news.

**(**xoxo**)**

"I'll go let your parents know, Pay," Emily whispered, kissing the top of her friend's head. She left the room glassy-eyed, heart dancing and breaking all at the same time. For the last six months, she and Kelly had been quietly trying to convince Payson to contact Iris' father. Payson had steadfastly refused, despite Emily's pleas and Kelly's threats to call him herself.

Payson looked up and caught Kelly's eyes. She was already besotted with her honorary niece, and awestruck by her friend's strength and courage.

"She's beautiful, Pay," Kelly whispered. While Emily had been honoured by Payson's request to have her two best friends present at the birth of her daughter, Kelly had balked at the idea. Even up to the previous evening when Payson called her and delivered a string of profane insults, all of which vaguely threatening to Kelly's life if she didn't accompany her friend to the hospital immediately, Kelly had been unsure about the idea—but at the hospital, with Payson's level-headed practicality out of the window, Kelly knew her best friends needed her unflappable nature to complete this leg of their journey. Kelly smiled down at her best friend and her new daughter—a tiny, pink bundle wrapped in white, waving a tiny fist in the air in a miniature protest.

Emily led Payson's parents into the room. The spell of near-silence was broken then as the Keelers took turns to meet the newest member of their family. Emily and Kelly squeezed onto the edges of the bed, surrounding Payson, and the three of them rested their hands on Payson's deflated abdomen. With or without her daughter's father, Payson would be just fine.

"Hey, Payson," Becca began, gazing adoringly at the tiny bundle in her father's arms. "If you named her for Kelly and Em, why is her name Iris?"

Kelly snorted before burying her reddening face in Payson's shoulder.

"Kelly threatened to cut off all my hair if I ever named my child Kelly," Payson explained patiently, shrugging her shoulder violently in an attempt to encourage her friend to move. "But Iris is Kelly's grandmother's name."

"And your favourite flower, right?"

"Yeah. Well, those and daisies," Payson answered slowly. Tiredness was beginning to catch up with her. Becca grinned from across the room and Payson smiled tiredly. Her parents and sister left after that, but Kelly and Emily stayed, folding themselves into guest chairs and acquainting themselves with Iris whilst Payson slept.

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_to be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

_ Iris is (still) my own character - please don't use her without my permission._

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"Iris, come on, honey, we're gonna be late!" Payson called from the door. Tiny footsteps thudded down the hall and a blur of blonde pigtails ran into view. Payson smiled and swung her daughter up into her arms. "You ready to go see Kelly and Emily?"

"Kelly and Emmy!" Iris cheered, clapping her chubby hands together over her mother's shoulder. Payson tucked her daughter into her toddler seat in the back of the car and pressed Ginger, a grubby orange stuffed cat into her outstretched hands. Ginger had been Iris' first gift after birth, it had been tossed unceremoniously onto Payson's blanket-covered legs by Kelly, who rolled her eyes as Emily followed her in with a bundle of helium-filled 'congratulations' balloons. Iris and Ginger had been inseparable from that moment on.

It was only a short drive to Denver International Airport. Payson had once harboured big dreams of travelling the world after the Olympics – to see more than just gymnastics arenas – before applying to college, but falling pregnant put those plans on hold. Instead, she bought a small family home ten minutes away from her parents' house and studied online for a degree in Integrative Physiology. Shortly after Iris' birth, Payson sent Kelly and Emily across the country, insisting she would never forgive herself if they shadowed her in Boulder and never got to enjoy their own lives. Emily left reluctantly for Los Angeles and Kelly booked a ticket on the first flight out to San Diego. Payson just laughed at her best friends, a little hysterical from the sleepless nights at the mercy of her daughter.

The car was one of Iris' favourite places to be. In the car, it was just Iris and Mama and they had some of their best conversations on the highway.

"Tell me about Daddy, Mama!"

Payson smiled into the rearview mirror, ignoring the familiar ache in her chest. "What story do you want, Sugar?"

"Tell me the one where he wins all the gold!" Iris squealed happily, clapping her hands together in excitement. Payson took a deep breath and began the story Iris had heard hundreds of times before, about how her father had beaten all the other men to win the gold.

At the airport, Iris clung tightly to her mother's hand. Much like Payson, Iris felt nervous in crowds of people. Payson swung Iris up onto her hip and held her close, relaxing as she inhaled the sweet scent of her lavender and camomile shampoo.

The arrivals board flashed 'landed' beside Flight 476 from LAX. Payson hurried towards the arrivals gate, humming quietly to calm her panicking daughter. The moment Emily spotted Payson, she squealed, grabbed Kelly's arm and elbowed her way through the hordes of people.

"EMMY!" Iris shrieked, her nervousness long forgotten as she reached out for her aunt. Emily snatched Iris from her mother and Payson grabbed Emily's suitcase.

"You're lucky your kid's cute, Pay, I don't even let my mom call me Emmy," Emily laughed. Kelly grinned, hugging her best friend and then wrapping her arms around Iris, who still clung to Emily. They made their way to Payson's car, laughing non-stop as though they hadn't spoken almost daily since they last saw one another.

**(**xoxo**)**

With Iris finally in bed, after two glasses of water and stories from Payson, Emily and Kelly, The three women sprawled out in Payson's living room with a bottle of sparkling cider and a takeout menu.

"So, still haven't called him, huh Keeler?" Kelly asked.

"He doesn't want me. Why would he want Iris?"

"It's not that he doesn't want you, Payson—" Emily tried to explain gently.

"He took _everything _from me, then he apologised for it and left. He doesn't want me, Emily. I'm not gonna burden him with even more responsibility."

"Whatever, Pay—but if you ask me, you should call him." Kelly said matter-of-factly.

"Too bad I didn't ask you then," Payson said, a sly smile spreading across her lips as she threw a cushion at Kelly.

**(**xoxo**)**

Later in the evening, Kelly and Emily lay on their stomachs in a room just down the hall from Payson's. The walls were a pale shade of purple and held framed photographs of Payson, Kelly, Emily and their old teammates at various gymnastics events – all with beaming smiles, gleaming medals and huge trophies. The room was used primarily by Emily and Kelly when they came to visit and as a consequence, two sofa beds and a pair of white-painted nightstands were the feature furniture.

"I'm gonna call him myself," Kelly announced in a low whisper. She reached up to pull her phone from the nightstand.

"She won't thank you," Emily warned her friend. "You know she's dead set against—"

"Shh. Listen," Kelly interrupted and held her hand up in a 'stop' gesture. In the almost-silence of the house, Emily heard the quiet, muffled sobs coming from Payson's bedroom. She looked at Kelly and without a word, they ran down the hall and into their friend's room. They piled onto the bed and held her, falling asleep together in a pile of tangled limbs and tears.

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_to be continued._


	3. Chapter 3

_ Iris is (still) my own character - please don't use her without my permission._

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"I swear to God, Payson, if you don't get your head out of your ass…" Kelly trailed off, struggling to come up with a suitable threat. She, Emily and Payson sat on the latter's back porch with Kim Keeler, watching Iris jump on the miniature trampoline Kim and Mark had bought for her birthday.

Kim rolled her eyes at Kelly's lack of subtlety—although secretly, she couldn't be happier that Payson had finally found a friend in her former enemy. Ever since Payson had come home crying, clutching a positive pregnancy test, she had been trying to convince her daughter to call Sasha—she had even offered to call him herself on more than one occasion. Payson refused every time, even threatening to leave and never come back if anyone even tried to contact him. Even though Payson remained oblivious, Kim had long ago recognised the signs in Sasha—he had fallen in love with her daughter and she with him.

"_I'll _call him," Kim said, more an insistence than an offer. Kelly's eyes widened. "We were _all _friends, you know. He was family to us."

"And now he's not, okay, mom, Kelly, he's not and I don't want to talk about this." Payson stood suddenly, busying herself with collecting empty glasses. She stepped into her kitchen through the open glass doors and sighed, leaning her head against the cool wall for a moment. She jumped when a hand touched her shoulder and turned to find Emily's concerned eyes locking with hers.

"Pay, you can't keep doing this," she said gently. "You are the strongest woman I know, Pay, but you _need _him. You need him."

Payson sighed and bit her lip. She nodded slowly, almost imperceptibly, and reached for the fridge, where she found a pitcher full of lemonade. She carried it on a tray with freshly washed glasses to the porch, where she found Kelly alone, watching Kim and Iris bounce together.

"What if he doesn't want us?" Payson whispered.

"Then Kelly will kill him," Emily answered decisively.

**(**xoxo**)**

At her kitchen table later that afternoon, Payson began to draft a letter while Emily showered and Kelly watched _Curious George _with Iris. Page after page was screwed into a ball and tossed across the room until eventually, she pushed her chair away and stood up, stretching, before looking for her daughter and best friend. She slipped into the room quietly, noticed only by Kelly, and they shared a smile, both noticing how entranced Iris was with the movie. She had seen it a hundred times but the magic never wore off.

"Any luck?" Kelly whispered. She had offered to distract Iris with the movie so Payson could write her letter. Payson shook her head.

"I just don't know what to say to him, other than 'I hate you, and by the way, you're a father.'"

Kelly snorted quietly. "That'll work."

Payson rolled her eyes and pulled her daughter onto her lap. "My mom called him."

"Yeah?" Emily walked in the room, hair wrapped in a towel. She sat on the floor with her back to the sofa and stretched, legs out to her sides and torso folded towards the floor.

"Saturday lunch," Payson confirmed, feeling a sudden blanket of dread settle over her. Emily sat up.

"Do you want us to be there?"

"You'll still be here, right?" Payson answered, biting her lip nervously.

"We'll be here, but we can be _there _if you need us to be," Kelly affirmed.

"I'll have my mom pick us up," Payson decided. "Then I can leave my car with you guys in case I need you."

Kelly smiled weakly, desperate to remain strong for her best friend but wanting nothing more to crumble with her. She reached out to pull Payson and Iris into a hug, joined by Emily, as the credits of _Curious George _began to roll.

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_to be continued._

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_thanks for the reviews - i really love hearing from you! the next chapter is (i think) the final one - it's been a fun ride._


	4. Chapter 4

_ Iris is (still) my own character - please don't use her without my permission._

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On her mother's patio, Payson clutched a glass of wine in a shaking hand. Iris was having the time of her life on the wooden jungle gym Mark and his father had built for Payson and Becca when they were children, and now it was the thing Iris looked forward to most when visiting her grandparents' house. Musical laughter rang from across the garden as Mark lifted his granddaughter to the monkey bars he had carefully carved and constructed with his own father. Payson smiled tightly as Iris waved from the platform at the end of the bars, ready to slide down the long metal chute-slide, a new addition to the jungle gym.

Payson heard a car pull up outside the house and a door slam shut. Kim waved through the window. _It's now or never_, she sighed. Moments later, a familiar face filled her vision as the body attached to it was folded into the chair beside her, sparkling cider in hand. He looked every bit as serious as she remembered and every bit as wearied as she felt. Kim smiled encouragingly through the kitchen window as she returned to her lunch preparations and Payson took a small sip of her wine, hoping for a large dose of courage.

"Hi," she said, breaking the silence in a hoarse whisper. She had hoped to sound confident and carefree, content to be alone, but her voice reflected her heart.

"Hi," he repeated, eyes trained on her. He didn't seem to notice that they weren't alone in the garden and she wasn't quite ready to bring his attention to their company just yet. "Uh… how have you been?"

She swallowed hard. She could either break the news now or let him realise it himself – seeing him again after almost four years had stripped away all the courage that had built over the last week.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here," he continued, sensing she wasn't quite ready to respond. His rough voice became smoother with every word, as if gaining confidence. "Your mother said you lived across town now."

"We—uh, I—I've been doing okay," Payson stuttered. She dropped her gaze to the glass in her hand. She'd barely drunk a quarter of the liquid in it. She wasn't overly fond of wine – she'd never been a drinker – but her mother had pressed the glass into her hands the moment she had arrived, convinced it would help her to relax a little.

He glanced out to the garden after she lowered her eyes, for the first time noticing the laughter coming from the end of the lawn. He watched as Mark lifted Iris to the monkey bars again and walked her along beneath them, counting each one as she grabbed it with her tiny hands. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and looked back at Payson, who watched him with fearful, glassy eyes.

"Ho—how old is she?" he asked, looking from the little girl, dressed in a lavender dress and blonde pigtails, to Payson, whose tears had spilled from her eyes and now streamed unimpeded down her face.

"She's yours, Sasha, if that's what you were wondering."

He let out a breath he hadn't know he was holding. "Why didn't you tell me?" He wasn't angry, he wasn't even disappointed. He was a lot confused, a little overjoyed and a small part of him had already fallen head over heels in love with the little girl he hadn't even met yet.

"You didn't want me," she whispered. Finally revealing her biggest secret had given Payson courage. She put her wine glass on the ground, tucked in behind the leg of her chair. "Why would you want her?"

"Payson…" Payson's words had been like a knife in Sasha's gut. He had regretted walking away the moment he had done it, but at the time it had felt like the right thing to do for both of them.

"Don't, Sasha, don't give me that bullshit about taking responsibility. You left me, you walked away, you _didn't want me_."

"I have always wanted you."

Payson scoffed.

"I have wanted you since you kissed me before Worlds trials, hell, I have wanted you since the moment you sassed me about parties and god damn it Payson I have loved you since the moment I walked into that bloody gym!" his voice rose a little and Mark looked over from the jungle gym. Iris was too busy swinging on the tire to notice the raised voices from the other end of the garden. Payson caught his eye and shook her head softly; she didn't need him to intervene – not yet, at least.

"Then _why_, Sasha?" Payson asked, voice broken.

"I'm ten years older than you, Payson—"

"And, what? Did you know my dad is almost eight years older than my mom? _I don't care about age,_ Sasha." Payson knew she was bordering on petulance when she interrupted him but she had far too much residual anger to let out.

"—and I was your coach. It was wrong of me to betray that trust – your trust and the trust your parents had in me, not to mention the NGO—I could've lost my job, Payson, and it sure as hell would have ruined your career."

"Screw my career, Sasha, you know as well as I do that I retired that morning. You weren't my coach anymore. My career was over and you know it."

"I did it to protect you!" He insisted. Mark looked over again, taking a step towards his daughter. Iris was somewhere inside the slide and Mark was grateful she couldn't hear her parents arguing—the last thing she needed was to meet her father in the middle of an argument with her mother. He wished he could intervene and knock his daughter's head together with Sasha's—he had long since come to terms with the fact that his daughter and her coach had fallen in love with each other, he just wished they could both see that—and that they'd do something about it instead of making themselves and everyone around them miserable. When Payson shook her head again, he raised his hands and shoulders in a shrugging gesture before returning to Iris, who had reached the bottom of the slide. He convinced her to continue sliding, determined to protect her from her parents' dispute for as long as possible.

"I didn't need protection, Sasha," Payson spat. "I didn't then and I don't now. You were a coward, it's as simple as that."

Sasha looked at his hands, out of arguments. Just as he always had been, he had been defeated by pint-sized firecracker he had allowed himself—propriety be damned—to fall in love with.

"I guess I was wrong," he admitted feebly.

Payson scoffed. "Yeah, you were."

"Was I so wrong to love you?" Sasha's tone was pleading and broken and it took all of Payson's resolve to hold back tears.

"You were wrong to take everything and leave," Payson answered carefully. Sasha closed his eyes for a long moment.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I'd taken advantage of you, I thought you weren't interested, I thought you would just push me away so I left before you had the chance."

"I wouldn't have pushed you away." Payson looked up at the same time Sasha did and their eyes locked. Just like old times, they had no use for words as their eyes conveyed all that needed to be said. She reached for his hand and squeezed it, a teary-eyed smile gracing her features for the first time. She was even more beautiful than he remembered.

"Iris, come here, honey," she called, turning away and towards the garden. She scooped up the three-year-old mid-run and peppered her face with kisses to a giggling protest. "You remember how I said daddy went away for a little while?"

Iris looked at her mother and the strange man beside her with hopeful eyes and Payson's breath caught in her throat. She had long since memorised Sasha's face, but for the first time she noticed how much her daughter looked like him – it would take a fool not to notice his bone structure replicated in her daughter's tiny, delicate features. Iris nodded.

"Well, he came back for us, baby," she whispered, kissing the top of her little girl's head. Payson had always talked to Iris about her father but Iris had never so much as seen a photograph—and now he was sat in front of her, smiling as brightly as he could manage.

"Hi Iris," he spoke hoarsely, voice thick with emotion. Iris looked up at Payson, pale blue eyes wide and questioning. Payson nodded and Iris scrambled off her lap and clambered up onto Sasha's, nuzzling into his chest and surprising him with her strength. This was the moment Iris had been waiting for since she was old enough to understand the very first stories Payson told her about her father. Instinctively, Sasha wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head as Payson had just done. Payson watched with tears in her eyes; a small part of her wondered if she would ever run out of tears. His gaze locked with hers, eyes glassy, and he reached out a hand to her. She stood and turned, sitting gently opposite Iris on his other leg and resting her head atop his.

"Thank you," he murmured.

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_fin._

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_folks, thus endeth 'babyfic'. thanks for sticking with me - i tried, but longer pieces aren't my forte yet (and after 22 years of telling stories, i wonder if they ever will be). this chapter makes up almost half the entire story's word count and it always has done._


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